The thing I realized my toddler craved: Control

Facebook showed me a memory from 2 years ago yesterday. It went like this: "Darrow may look like Cameron, but I'm pretty sure that just now when I pulled him off the bookshelf for the 10th time in a row in a series of 2 minutes and yelled, turned his back to me, banged his head on the floor, and then gave me a dirty look as he crawled back to the bookshelf, that it was 110% me. Neat."

And that statement has been proven true time and time again over the last 2 years. But, I realized something about a month ago that is making a huge difference. And I feel like a dork that it took me nearly 2 years of butting heads with a toddler to realize. 

It's all about the control, ('bout control, 'bout control -just channeling my inner Meghan Trainor there).

See, I like when I have everything under control in my sphere and with things relating to me. I like to plan my own day, have my space the way I want it, and things going the way I planned. It took me 2 years, but I realized that if Darrow is like me (and he's proven that over and over again), then it only makes sense that he's feeling the same way! He wants control. He doesn't want to be directed. He needs to feel like he's in charge of his sphere.

That light bulb was huge for me. I don't know why, but it was. You'd think that'd be an easy one, but it wasn't.

So I've been working to make some changes around here, and guys...it is hard! Giving him some control means me giving up some control. But isn't that what Motherhood is about, giving up what we want because what your child needs is more important?

Now, we're not just giving him carte blanche around here. There are things that are non-negotiable, such as staying in the yard, not playing with the oven, no throwing toys at Ione, not running away when we call him, etc. But I've found areas where if I give up some of my control over the situation, he can then exert his control. And it has made a world of difference! This is a much happier boy lately.

The first big one was bedtime and naps. Darrow is a night owl through and through (also a trait he got from me). Bedtime was often a huge fight. We'd put him to bed, he'd get out. We put him back in bed, he'd get out. We tried all different methods over the 2 years from various articles. Silently putting him to bed with no eye contact, calmly explaining why he needed to stay in bed, spanking, lying by him and wrapping our arms around him so he couldn't get off the bed until he cried himself to sleep, sitting down the hall and getting after him every time he got off the bed, and the list goes on. Nothing worked. Naptime was the same. He needed a nap, but it was a huge fight. 

So no instead of bedtime and naptime he has afternoon quiet time and bedtime quiet time. The rules are he stays in his room (in the afternoon it's a designated 2 hours-which is how long he usually naps). That's it. At night we get him in his jammies and do his nighttime routine (brush teeth, read a book, sing a song, prayers, kisses, milk, water, you know covering the excuse bases), and then he goes in his room for nighttime quiet time. During quiet time he gets to choose what he does and it's fine as long as he's in his room. The first 2-3 days he didn't nap, he just played in the afternoon, and at night he stayed up playing until 10 or midnight. But then the novelty wore off. 

Now for afternoon quiet time he plays for a little bit and then probably 4 times out of the week he'll climb in his bed and take a nap. At night he goes in and plays and probably 4 nights a week he is asleep by 8:30 or 9, with the others being up playing until 10-11. And then he sleeps later! Hallelujah! We moved Ione out of the room (she's an early riser and would wake him up before he's ready), and that's made it all even better. 

Everything we read said that kids needed a firm bedtime and a firm routine and having that nighttime schedule was important. So we tried to get that in place for 2 years and it just never worked. Darrow needed to feel that control. That one change has made the biggest difference out of everything lately. 

Beyond that I try to remember to let him choose things as much as possible. Are we playing in the front yard or backyard. What he eats for breakfast (I decide dinner and half the time lunch, but he gets to choose what he eats for breakfast). Which way we go when we take walks. Stuff like that. And it is enough that he feels more in control of his surroundings. 

On my end it means a lot of biting my tongue to keep from getting after him for things that are minor or trivial. Like smashing his sandwich flat before eating it (wiping up the bit of mess is easy, I can do that), or dumping all his toys out in his room just after we put them away, or flipping the curtains around, or carrying our shoes all over the house. I'd rather he didn't do those, but he's not being bad, he's not being destructive, and it's something I can just relax on and not be so uptight. 

So that's it, that's been the magic trick to a much happier, more well behaved, and much more rested Darrow: me giving up complete control so that he could have some control of his own!

Trauma and the Creative Process

Hello!

My name is Em and I am the other half of this team.

"Wait, what? You don't blog here! I have been reading this blog for months and I don't even know you!"

If you are new, or if you are one of our long time faithful followers, you may have forgotten or didn't even know that I blog here. I do blog here though I promise! I have been on somewhat of a hiatus.

Let's chat.

Some of you may remember my husband Chip, he's legitimately the best. I don't know who I bribed to get such an awesome partner in life, but man I did good. Chip and I have been married a little over 5 years. They have been both the best five years of my life and at times some of the most trying. Some days life throws some really difficult challenges at you. Lucky for me, Chip has been right by my side through them all.

Over the last three years, and more prominently over the last year one of those challenges for us has been infertility.

Infertility.

I said it.

It's funny how one little word can have such a huge impact on our lives.

I have been MIA from the blog mostly because of this life challenge. Now, this post isn't to ask for sympathies, or tell my sob story, this post is about what is going on in my life. Real time. This blog is about us, our journey, what we are learning, what we are struggling with, whatever we need it to be. Today I need this blog to be a conduit for my process.

We had been suspecting that infertility was a very real thing happening to us for a while. We had been to one doctor, had a horrible experience and shied away from that route for a while because of the bad experience. We finally drudged up the courage to go back at the beginning of this year and our fears became our reality. This process of starting a family was not going to happen by our own accord.

For us, this was devastating. There is an entire world of infertility that I won't go into (at least not at this time), but all this to say that this whole process of doctors appointments, tests, waiting, research etc. has completely and I mean completely zapped my creative process.

Every spare inch of energy I had went to being ok, to being happy despite our circumstances, to keeping up with this time intensive process. All of this left little to no room for my soul to express itself creatively.

How do you create and make and craft and enjoy when at the time it all feels really frivolous and every waking second you are constantly thinking about something that you aren't capable of accomplishing?? 

You don't. 

Your creative process ceases to exist. Your body goes into survival mode.

Trauma doesn't have to be a car crash, or anything of that nature. Your body, mind, and soul can go through trauma in other instances as well. Say, three years of mourning something that won't happen, that would definitely be considered trauma.

 I know that at one time or another each of us has had some sort of trauma. Whether it be losing a friend or relative, having to have some sort of long recovery surgery, chronic illness, divorce, infertility, having loved ones who are seriously ill, financial burden, loss of job, natural disaster, family issues, childbirth, big or frequent moves, being in the throws of being a parent can often be traumatic, etc.

 Any of these scenarios would be one that could very easily zap your creative process. We go from care free and easy going to merely trying to survive in the blink of an eye.

I am here to tell you two things:

First: It is 108% OK to not be creative during this time of stress and healing.

Heck, if you can get up and put on pants, you deserve a cookie. Life can be really really hard. There is pride in getting up, dressing (up), and showing up. Don't let anyone tell you different. There may be a few days that it is all too much to get out of bed. We all have days like that, and if I didn't have a job, that would have been me for some of the last three months. It's ok to take a day or two to do that, but don't let it become a habit. Beds are quicksand for our get up and go, don't let them suck you away.

Second: TRY. Try being creative, you may be one of those people who thrive creatively during times of high stress. Think of Van Gough, all of his work thought to be genius, and he went through serious bouts of mental health crisis in which he still painted. Despite how he felt on the inside, his outside creative work was stunning. I imagine he felt some therapy from painting, as many do. Give your creative self a try, you may just be a creative crisis thriver, one whose work is even better during times of high stress and trauma because you use it as an outlet for yourself.

I am not one these people. When it feels like everything around me is crumbling, I feel the need to be in control of something and when my current project isn't pure perfection I have a breakdown. Recognize if you are one of these people and know your triggers.

Please know that even in worst of the worst, the depths of the muck, and hardest of the trial, that at one point you were in another trial and eventually, despite all the odds, it passed. Something changed and it eventually ended. I can't tell you how it will end, but I know that in some way shape or form, things will get better. Until then, strap in, hang on tight, find a good support system, and weather the storm. I'm pulling for you. (Think High School Musical) We're all in this together!

All of this to say, I'm sorry for being so out of the picture here, but please know I am doing my best. The blogging Em had to take a beat so that pay your bills, remember to eat food, still go to work Em had a fighting chance. I am 110% ok with that.

There are ebbs and flows to life, and right now my life is flowing in a direction of survival. With that being said, now that I have recognized that I was in a creative process crisis I will better be able to deal with said crisis, and can start to get back in the saddle. I hope that maybe this post helped someone. Please know that for you who are struggling, I see you. I wish a post like this had been here for me over the last year, so if any of you are in a creative crisis right now, know that I am pulling for you! I am cheering you on! I am you! We are here for each other. We can do hard things. We will prevail!

I love you guys. I have dearly missed my Pinstrosity family. This blog is an important part of me, and I am blessed to have the platform that I do. I hope that this can help someone, even if it is just one person, that one person is so unique and important! If you know someone really struggling and you feel like this could help them, please share.

I love you Pinstrosipeeps!

-Em

*Picture Credit Marquette LaRee*

Kett Files: My Magic Routine

Guys, I think I've found the magic routine for the day. It makes a world of a difference. I discovered it a few months ago and was going to wait until I had the routine down to habit and was doing it all the time and could tell you the great things it's done for my life as a whole. 

But let's get real here. I haven't even had a full week where I've stuck to my routine perfectly. And I'm realizing I probably never will have a perfect routine week, because that's life. 

What does this routine do for me? I'm able to keep the house from being disgusting, Darrow behaves better, I can get my photography business done, and even have a little family evening time. Boy, I sound like a commercial. Sorry. But really, this routine is a life saver and I know if I'd just stick to my guns and get up and jump into it every day that everything would go more smooth...but the lazy shoulder angel sometimes shouts the loudest and his idea sounds best. Darn it. 

This routine isn't perfect. There are still things I want to implement in. But for now, I'm seeing good results from it (when I do actually do it). So let me tell you about it. 

The main rule that all others fall under is no computer before noon. That's it. If I had an office job, it wouldn't work, but I'm at home so this is key. Before noon is my time to clean the house, organize, make appointments, get some one-on-one time in with Darrow (why is that so hard?! Mom guilt.), and making things for the house. At noon we have lunch, and then Darrow has quiet time in his room, Ione sits in her chair or swing by me, and I get to work on the computer with editing, doing my classwork, behind-the-scenes business work, bills, and anything that needs to be done on the computer. 

And that's the main idea of it! I want to refine it more to get in specific exercise time, and specific couple time...but for now I feel like I'm doing really good if I do this routine 3 days in a week. 

It's crazy how much this routine helps, but man it is hard. I didn't realize just how addicted to technology I am until I tried implementing this. It's so easy to just tune into the world wide web and to let your duties, responsibilities, and life just kinda blur in the background. If I get on the computer early in the day, the rest of my day is just shot. It's done. Darrow's picked up on that too! If I get on the computer early in the day, his behavior tanks. If I stay off until noon, he is generally much better behaved. 

So, this week I'm going for 4 days out of 7 following the routine (lets see if I can get my posts pre-written and scheduled so I can really stick with this). Because I know it helps make my day better. I know I'll be more productive and efficient. I know my kids will be happier. I know I'll be more likely to cook and that will make Cameron happier. It just makes us all happier. I can do this! 

____

What is your magic routine? I know this won't work for everyone, so I'm excited to hear from you what works in your home and your life! Maybe there'll be ideas you see from others that feel like something that would work for you. We'll help each other build magic timelines! 

Lesson Relearned: Find Joy in the Journey

For the first time in a year, Emilee and I got to spend time together. It was pretty much a live version of "Chicken Soup for the Pinstrosity Soul". There were snow cones, hugs, laughs, late night pizza, amazing root beer, dogs in tutus, a floating lantern, a husband running after the floating lantern to catch it before it went into the trees, hair coloring, real and raw conversations, tulle dresses and skirts, and breakfast burritos.  Could it get any better? Only if there'd been more time. 

We've both experienced things the last little while that left us feeling drained, uncreative, and unsure of what to do here on the blog. Do people really want to hear our life? Do we really have something worth sharing? Are we doing any good? It's been a bit of a blogging identity crisis after the first few months of the relaunch. I know I have gone through weeks where I felt like I really didn't have anything worth writing about because my life is just not really exciting. 

But that time spent together retaught us so much. The whole point of this blog is to remind all of us that life isn't Pinterest Perfect, and it doesn't have to appear so to be worth living and sharing. We don't have to have fast paced, mountain climbing, world traveling, daily DIYing lives before we have anything worthy to share or find joy in. 

What we do have is our journey. Our journey through life. Our journey through adulthood. Our journey through marriage. Our journey through family. Our journey through creativity. And you know what. They are amazing journeys. Just like yours! No journey is too ordinary, too mundane, or too "normal". Every journey has growth, and every journey has joy. Sometimes the joy is easy, and sometimes we have to really work to make it. But it's there. 

Sign by @handcraftedbrunette

And that is what we are excited to share with you and experience with you. We want to share in your joys, and share our joys with you. 

10 Tips on How to Be an Adult

Raise your hand if, as a child, you ever said, "I can't wait until I'm grown up!" or "Grown ups have all the fun!" 

Okay, now that we most of the internet with their hands raised, let's ask this question. 

How many of you want to go back and slap 10 year old you because that kid had no idea what was in store! Good, I see I still have many of you with me. 

Adulting is hard. Adulting is rough. Adulting really should be it's own verb. It's not what most of us dreamed of as kids. But is it all bad? No! Is it tricky? Heck yes! Which is why sometimes you'll still find me in a blanket for with my teddy bear and some ice cream. 

But, despite all the bad rap it gets, being an adult can be pretty awesome. Granted, I only have 12 legal years of being an adult to back me up, but I've come a long ways in those 12 years. I wanted to grow up, got a taste of growing up and decided I didn't like it, tried to pretend I wasn't growing up, and then realized that growing up really doesn't have to be bad!

I've been thinking on this for the past month after receiving an email from Personal Capital about this very topic. So many people want to stay in Neverland, but it's time to embrace adulthood and get our grown up on! It's not as bad as it seems!

So, here are my 10 tips to being an adult that I try to follow. I'm not saying I'm perfect at doing all of these all the time. Far from it. But I find that as I try to follow these tips, my life is better, as is the life of my family. Some are fun. Some are just logical. 

1. Don't Feed the Drama Llama

Drama Llamas. Trolls. Chip on the Shoulders. Haters. Whatever name you want to give them. We all know them. There's often one down the street. And we all have them on our social media accounts here and there. And all we want to do when they post up something offensive, ridiculous, or contrary to your beliefs is to comment and right the "wrong". Don't. Don't feed the Drama Llama. It is always hungry, no matter what. Raise you hand if your convictions were ever changed by an argument on Facebook? Not many hands I see out there. How many engaged in one and left with hurt feelings, anger, or even damaged relationships? Lots more hands just shot up. Don't feed it. Show restraint and maturity and just don't. 

2. Budget

Oooh, the B word. "Dave Ramsey is ruining my life!" a friend joked on social media the other day. Budgeting is hard. Budgeting isn't fun. But budgeting seriously saves your life. We are horrible budgeters. Horrible with a capital H. Why? Because it's hard and we get lazy. Not a good excuse. I know that. So we are working on it. Reading Dave Ramsey. Setting up rules. Trying to do better! Living in a tiny house taught us a lot. It was worth it to save that money. "Live like no one else now, so later you can live like no one else!" -Dave Ramsey And now we live away from the fast food and quick trips to Walmart...which is really going to help us learn to stay on budget better! 

3. Take a road trip. 

Grab your family, your kids, your best friend, your mom, your dog, or your Grandma, and go. It doesn't have to be far. It doesn't even have to be overnight. But get out and go. You've heard me talk before about how doing and seeing new things bonds people together. It's true. Put some good tunes on the radio, grab something yummy (and legal behind the wheel!) to drink, and get on the road. A big key to this one though...put down the phones. You can't make memories if you're staring at your phone the whole time. Talk. Laugh. Enjoy! 

4. Apologize. 

This one is huge. It doesn't happen much these days. When you've hurt someone, physically or emotionally. Apologize. Sincerely. Without excuses. Excuses cheapen the "sorry". Be the first to apologize. 

5. Learn that you don't find Happiness, you Make It! 

Too many get out of college with their big bad degrees and hit the world, thinking they are walking into dream jobs and dream lives. For a few, it happens. For many, it doesn't. And for some this is completely soul shattering. They based all their happiness on landing their dream job with their dream spouse in their dream house. And they can't be happy until they reach their next milestone. If you're waiting for something to make you happy, it won't happen. Choose to be happy now. 

6. Buy a piece of furniture, without going into debt. 

I can't tell you how grown up I felt when we bought our first brand new piece of furniture. Well, something not from Walmart. Choosing the color, the style, and the fabric of the couch felt like such a grown up decision. But even more, buying it and paying cash. Knowing our limit and sticking to it, even though that put the most BEAUTIFUL couch off the list of possibles, was key. We felt proud of ourselves that we'd saved enough to get us a new couch, and one that looked good, and didn't put it on a credit card or start store credit for it. 

7. Plan for the future. 

Make a rainy day fund. Put 72-hour kits together. Set up a retirement account. Learn to can tomatoes. Don't have those resources yet? Keep you car gassed up so you can get to a friend or family member's house if disaster does strike. I'm not saying go mooch off your family and never prepare! I'm saying to do what you can at the moment, always taking steps (even if they are baby baby steps). Gas in the tank can be step one. A rainy day fund can be step two. Take it bite by bite! But plan ahead, because life has a way of stirring things up when we get too settled. Broken pipes and a flooded house. Extended unemployment. Foreclosure. Natural disasters. Retirement. Big family vacations. Nest Eggs. Just plan, and then do the work to make the plan doable! 

8. Bake a cake. From scratch! 

(I did not make this cake! Trust me, mine would look disastrous. You've seen our cake attempts! This was made by Cakes with TLC). 

Most of us aren't chefs. Many of us bake a cake that you pour out of a box (and I know I'll burst a few people's bubble here...baking a cake from a Betty Crocker cake mix is not baking a cake from scratch...start with the cookbook and pull out the bag of flour!). Some of us even are able to burn ice. Even if it's not pretty (and most won't be - this is Pinstrosity after all), you'll feel accomplished. And bonus points if you give it to someone. They'll love the extra time and thought that went into it! 

9. Build people up

Think of two groups of people, each stuck in a pit. In pit #1 the people are all climbing and clamoring over one another, pulling each other down in an attempt to climb to the top first and to get out ahead of everyone. The are all worried about themselves. In pit #2 they are all working together to help everyone climb and rise. They give boosts and before long they are all out of the pit. Which pit do you want to be in? Me? #2 all the way! Don't tear people down. It doesn't make anyone stronger. It doesn't do any good. Be the Good in the World. "A rising tide lifts all boats." -JFK

10. Keep building blanket forts. 

Keep your heart young. Growing up doesn't mean putting away your adventures, suppressing your joy, getting stuffy, and living a boring life. Growing up is just the opposite! It's an adventure all on it's own. One that has twists and turns, bumps and bruises, joys and heartaches, and sometimes the GPS doesn't quite work right. It takes work to be an adult (because I believe that being an adult is way more than just turning 18), but all good things take work. And this, this wonderful life we've been given, is worth the work! 

The Real Vistas in Life

Sometimes date night pictures look like this: 

But most of the time, at least for us, they look something more like this: 

This used to bother me. I wanted to be the cute couple going on cute fun dates and showing the world that we were In Love too. I felt cheated and upset. And that just hurt things more. 

Slowly over time I came to realize that I was hurting our relationship by being upset that we weren't the cute and showy couple. I've learned that our brand of love and our unique relationship doesn't have to be cutesy and flamboyant to be strong and to be exactly what we need it to be. 

These "date nights" that are spent organizing Cameron's student's work and grading it together are memories I love. We get to visit. We get to work together. We get to bond. We've learned that there's so much to love and enjoy about life beyond the big exciting moments. 

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. Most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey–delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Don't get caught up in being upset at the lack of vistas, thrills, or bliss in your life. That only grows bitterness. Look at your life. Your normal life. Your life right now. There is beauty in it! There are good things! Take a moment to find just one small and simple thing to be grateful for right here and now, because those really are the beautiful vistas. Most people are usually just looking out the wrong window and miss them. 

The Problem on our Car that 5 Mechanics Missed

Our car started going through tires like crazy. They would get gouged and wear out incredibly fast. We were getting new tires on all the time it seemed.

One mechanic told us we needed to quit peeling out on gravel and that was why we were ruining our tires. Problem solved! Only we weren't peeling out. But that was the only explanation he could come up with for why we were getting gouges in our tires. 

So we went to multiple shops for alignment after alignment, got more expensive tires, and still nothing worked. Each shop said it was either an alignment issue or we were just having really bad luck with faulty or bad tires. 

And then we moved. With the first major cold that hit our tire pressure sensor dinged in the car so I took it in to get that checked and asked about the tires (as at this point they were making our car vibrate badly). He said they would take a look and see what they could find. 

1/2 an hour later he came back and said that our problems came down to two factors. First, the "suggested" tires online for our car are rated for 220 mph and typically wear out fast because they are built for speed. Second, our shocks were 80,000 miles overdo for replacement, meaning that every bump we went over the tires would hit the shocks and the springs would leave gouges in the tires. Apparently shocks are supposed to be replaced every 50,000 miles. We had no clue. How do you keep track of when to replace everything in a car?! 

So, we saved up for the shocks/struts/alignment job, and then a new set of tires...ones that are a little more suited to our non-220mph lifestyle.  

And it feels like a whole new car! 

Why do I tell you this boring story about car parts? Because I figure if we had no idea, maybe one of you out there had no clue either and can't figure out why your tires are getting gouged and wearing out so fast. 

Man...there should be a manual for how to keep on top of all this adult stuff in life!